Hoagiemouth

I'm sorry, but those two pinks clearly look nothing alike, mama. My colors are BLUSH and BASHFUL. Don't you work me up now. You know what happens when you work me up, mama. Oh no. My sugars. My sugars, mama! Juice! I need my juice, mama! Mama! SIKE! I got you, mama! You should see yourself. Who's blush and bashful now? ::death drop:: :/

You finally cleaned up your dilapidated mansion and you've got a ton of wealthy investors waiting with baited breath for your business-saving fashion show featuring... fluorescent bellhop outfits and short skirt referee uniforms? And, I'm sorry, you call that a chef's hat? I'm so confused. BUT I LOVE IT! Take my money!

Being falsely accused of your sister's paralysis got you down? Look no further than this design based on "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane" aka "Feud!" Just think, all this time we could have been friends.

Oh Tiffany. Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany. I'd say I've never in my life yelled at a girl like this but mother Banks taught me to never tell a lie. I know, I'll say I've never in my life yelled at a girl LIKE THIS, as in at a girl "like you." Yes! Workarounds! Anyway. Tiffany, you must immediately return to the apartment, pack your belongings, and shake your body body out the door. If you sass me on the way out I'll make sure you never work in this industry again--as if your appearance as a contestant on America's Next Top Model doesn't already achieve that.

Ah, summer in the Catskills. We were young and innocent. And then the help started thrusting their pelvic bones and everything went to hell. "Dirty Dancing." More like "Parentally Sanctioned *Dry-Hump* Movie the Babysitter Put on to Keep Me and My Sister Occupied," am I right? Anyway, help yourself to the watermelon.

Let famed orator Nell do all the talking for you.

People sometimes say I go a little overboard. But I'm not the guy who tried to extort an amnesiac by convincing her she's the mother of my children. What is a falsetto child anyway?

With one week to go before the pageant, you were shopping online, clicking your way over to TeePublic, and buying cute tees in bulk on about 400 calories. You were ready!

Resisting the urge to type out the lyrics to "Shoop" here. Ahhh! Niece my witness. Err! Can I get some fries. EEK! Yum yum chocolate chip. GAH! MAKE ME WANNA SCREAM OOH OOH I LIKE WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU DO WHAT YOU DO YOU MAKE ME WANNA SHOOP! ::shrugs::

Come on, girls! We're gonna do the Freddy for a bunch of old people in order to get the *Kind to Old People* Wilderness Girl badge! Woo! T-R-O-O-P Troop Beverly Hills, woo! Again! T-R-O...

You don't get cute, you get DROP DEAD GORGEOUS! And let me guess, your talent is cheerleading? God you look a lot like Amy Adams! Anyway, good luck with the Mount Rose American Teen Princess Pageant! I'm sure you'll knock 'em dead with your new duds (and exploding swan).

You're just trying to live your best life. Jazzercise. Steamed chicken. Coupon cutting. You don't have time for a couple of sassy bimbos with daddy's credit card. Lucky you have a seat belt and full coverage insurance. Now, please pass the fried green tomatoes.

She looks better than a 10 inch hoagie and you know it! You can't touch her, but she can touch you, if you buy this design. And she'd really love to touch you. Things you can do while showing off your new hoagiemouth design include: eating doggy chow; hooking; turning your nose up at brown rice and vegetables; hooking; sabotaging fellow performers; and hooking. If you're still not convinced, just follow the advice of my dear friend Jeff: you gotta gamble if you're gonna win. NOW THRUST IT! THRUST IT! Oh, and I'm not a stripper. I'm a dancer!

You know you've wanted to deck old Ouiser Boudreaux ever since she called the cops on you for skinny dipping in the waterhole. Sure, when you say "Hit this" you're usually talking about something else, but you're a dandy. Dandies love a good cat fight. And track lighting. Cat fights and track lighting.

It takes a lot of calories to work a full shift at the Gap. I mean, there's all that shirt folding, denim folding, leggings folding, skirt folding, shorts folding... oh, and jacket hanging! That's always fun. Of course nothing expends more calories than gossiping! So have a seat with Chris Farley and David Spade and spill yourself a pot of tea with your sensible meal. Just get it before things turn violent. OK?

Celebrate disgusting things with this design based on the hit Netflix series “Nailed It!”

Girl, what part of "Take that thing off of your mouth" do you not understand? Cute look though. Very Victoria's Secret meets matador by way of Mortal Kombat at the Azusa Arcade. FIIIIISH!

Wear the shirt that says, "You can come at me, Treasury Secretary, but be aware that I do not have time for your Mnuchin minutiae." Yes, future legendary children, the time has come for you to reclaim your time! Let Maxine Waters, the pied piper of progressivism, lead you to the promised land of democratic efficiency! YES WE CAN, just give me a second while I put on my new shirt.

Alma, check your batteries! Then check out Sister Mary Patrick sliding up into that high note during "Oh Maria." Mater ad mater inter marata indeed! [closed captioned for the hearing impaired]

Been rear ended? Need a lube job? Save the dirty work for PrEPBOYS.

You have a date with her every night at 9 (8 central). Sometimes you even watch her in bed. You wish you could run your fingers through her short, shellacked for tv hair, but you know there are thousands of LEDs between the two of you. You're a Rachel Maddow Show viewer. Debunction Junction? Old hat. Sending you to prison at the end of every Friday night episode? Wow, you are a hardcore fan. You know she's not just the news--she's how you understand the news. She's the queen of cable and of your heart. Now show off how much you worship her! Wear her on your chest like a care bear. Super power--brains. I presented you with this unusually long intro in order to give you the history necessary for understanding HOW MUCH YOU NEED THI...

Mama thinks I’m on a tour of England

L-A-D-Y-D-I Eagles!

Step aboard the U.S.S. Callister and submit to joining the team! Just watch out for Gillian from Marketing. Those fangs are sharp!

"Would you look at that! Isn't that glorious? It's indescribably beautiful! It reminds me of the Fourth of July! Turn off all the lights, I want to see what it looks like on the street."

That's what I'm talking about! The ORIGINAL queen of the night. Don't let the scales fool you--she is a PRO-FES-SIO-NAL. I wonder who did her cheeks. They look good though, right? No her first name ain't Lady Gremlin, it's Greta. QUEEN if you're nasty.

Loosen up with a bottle of Hieeee Brand Poppers, from the makers of Clown White.

Tired of wearing apparel that has misogynistic undertones? Do all other designs suck when you feel like blowing daddy's cash? If you answer yes to any of these questions, then throw your balled up bills Amber's way! Other reasons to buy her: she's good at making a "W' out of her fingers, so she's dexterous, and she had to work with Stacey Dash, so you know she's patient.

Feeling strange and unusual? Utterly alone? Mauve? Then buy yourself a lovely pharmaceutical grade design from Hoagiemouth, official clothier of the recently diseased.

Because there’s no right way to tell him, tell him with Hoagiemouth

You’re glowing, girl! Are you in love?

Yeah, werk as in bursting out of dudes donning a top hat, spats and a cane singing "Hello my baby, hello my honey," yeah, that kind of werk.

Hey now! Quiet down! I don't go to your job and knock the [hoagies] out of your mouth.

You've had a crush on her since she was your substitute social studies teacher. You still fantasize about the way she nervously furrowed her brow whenever someone said the word "Ma." You couldn't have her then, but you have her now, as a tattoo on your bicep. Woof. You're Dorothy Zbornak's #1 student. Grade A beef.

Lock lips

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